letters to the viz editor

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be
calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up
all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them
at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I
must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians
prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota
system.
Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change
after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News
that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God
from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy

"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say
of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to
mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a
billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more
harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th
anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally
laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.
D Antarctica, Rhyll

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament
into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be
robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least
he's going to come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!"
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story
straight.
T Potter

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some
action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That
should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed
all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older"
when
I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's
arse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably
employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say
I'm a grocer or something.
A Terrorist

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976,
'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the
prison.
Raymond

Very funny, really liked the one about the Diana party!!

I saw a calendar special the other night about some awards disabled kids were getting. One boy who was nominated by his teacher for an award, when they asked his teacher why she nominated? (this boy was blind in one eye, had a muscle wasting disease and couldnt walk properly) she said "he never thinks of himself" --- Well you wouldnt would you? it would just depress me if I had all those things wrong with me and thought about myself all the time id end it!!! Anyway the boy looked pleased to have won!!